


Dan Howell vs The Sex Club

by outphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bears, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Dates, M/M, Meet-Cute, No Smut, Sex Club
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 20:14:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16182383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outphan/pseuds/outphan
Summary: Dan gets lost and walks into a sex club.





	Dan Howell vs The Sex Club

**Author's Note:**

> written for phandomficfests bingo fest fulfulling the square 'fake dating'  
> beta by [Amethyst ](http://amethysthollis.tumblr.com)  
> thanks Lackless and the word war chat for the title!

_ I have the wrong address _ , Dan thinks as he looks around the dimly lit room. He figured there would be Sourz shots and beer pong, maybe a couple of people snogging like every normal  university house party. But instead he sees leather on leather, sex swings, whips and paddles all around. It shocks him for a bit to see all the people gathered around. There are a lot of people, all doing… stuff. There are twosomes, threesomes, foursomes,  spit roasting, group sex where Dan can’t see where one person ends and another begins, all happening next to each other.

It wasn’t his intention to wander into a gay sex club. He just wanted a bit of free alcohol and that’s it. Not that anyone stopped him on his way in; the bouncer (a leather daddy, now that Dan thinks about it) even said to him ‘we never get enough twinks around here’. That should’ve been a neon stop sign.

But instead, Dan walked into the club only to see people in poses that would put acrobats to shame. The stench of sex and sweat is overwhelming, Dan can’t breathe without inhaling pheromones.

Having seen enough, he starts backing away. His back doesn’t hit the door, but instead of the chest of someone big and manly.

“Leaving so soon?” the man asks and Dan turns around. He looks like he has some Norse god blood in his veins. He can’t help but focus on the fact that Mr Viking is wearing a jockstrap that’s hiding a very obvious and large bulge. “It would be a shame,” he says as he puts his arm around his companion, a similar sized man. “What do you think, Roman? Can we get him to stay?”

Roman nods. “I want him to.”

“I-I rather wouldn’t.” Okay, maybe that’s a slight lie. In a couple of years he totally would. It’s not that he’s not comfortable with his own sexuality, but he needs to build up some courage. Dan’s not a one night stand kind of person, but there’s something exciting and kinky and taboo about having sex in a swinger’s club.

Mr Viking puts his thumbs under the elastic of his underwear; Dan’s gaze involuntarily follows the movement. He cocks his head to the side and is very obviously checking Dan out. “Mm, we would treat you like a king.”

“And I would like to leave,” Dan says, faking confidence. The two bears are standing right in front of his exit. “You’re kind of blocking my way, though.”

“Are you sure we can’t get you to stay. Oh, the things I could do to you…” Mr Viking whispers.

“There you are, babe!” Dan suddenly hears a new voice, low and silky coming from somewhere. “I was looking for you!” The next moment there’s a man standing next to him, wrapping his arm around Dan’s torso. He’s quite good looking with his black hair and blue eyes and looks also as out of place as Dan does. “I couldn’t find the bathroom,” he says matter-of-factly as he leans in to kiss Dan.

The fact he’s never met this person, yet he’s kissing him would be somewhat acceptable at a party. But not when said party is a sex club. 

“What…” Dan starts, but quickly realises. “Oh, yeah, sure.” He takes one last, very confused look at his saviour and snuggles closer to him to play his part, before looking at Mr Viking and Roman. “Sorry, uh… thanks for the offer, but maybe another time.” His fake boyfriend isn’t a big guy, but thankfully the two bears leave them alone without a word. Dan immediately lets go of the stranger, taking a step back. “Thanks.”

He nods, smiling softly. He doesn’t belong here either. “No worries. Saw those two giants harassing you, so I came to rescue you.”

“My noble prince.” Dan grins. He likes this guy, and not just because he saved him. “Anyway, I better go before someone else finds me. Thanks again!”

Dan takes the two steps to the exit. He’s gonna go back to his halls, get some kebab on the way home and watch Youtube. A solid plan. 

His hand is on the handle, when someone grabs his wrist. It’s the stranger again. Dan isn’t sure why he’s so surprised it’s him, considering only 2 seconds passed.

“Are you busy?” he asks, all doe eyed. “Wanna grab a bite? I mean, right now.”

Dan blinks a couple of times, surprised by his proposition. But it’s food so it’s not like he’ll turn it down. “Sure.”

Okay, maybe he should’ve asked what he had in mind. There’s a difference between getting fish and chips from the chippy round the corner and eating sushi off of various bodies. But thankfully, the stranger opens the door, letting Dan through first.

The cold October air is a relief after the warmth of the sex club. He takes a deep breath as he tightens his coat.

“Come on.” They go back towards the main street. Dan’s got no idea, how he managed to end up at the club. It’s hidden, and there aren’t any signs telling what it really is. “My name’s Phil, by the way. Sorry I kissed you so suddenly,” he says after a couple minutes of silence.

“Thanks for saving me, Phil. I’m Dan.”

Phil looks at him, naughtiness in his eyes. “Nope, you’re babe now.”

Dan rolls his eyes, but can’t help and feel a certain kind of fondness towards him. “So what were you doing in there, anyway?”

Phil laughs, biting down on his tongue as he does. “I’m gonna sound totally uncool and say I’m an IT nerd and I was called there to fix their website.”

“Oh fuck, I was starting to thing you were the dungeon master.”

“This isn’t D&D, Dan. What were  _ you  _ doing there?”

“I got lost.” Phil looks at him, not believing him. “I swear! My friends either set me up or I just got lost, but I almost got involved in a menage a trois with two bears in the process. I had a rough night.”

“Mm, sure.” He smiles, but there’s kindness in his eyes.  _ He looks beautiful, _ Dan thinks as breeze ruffles his hair. “Is pancake okay? I’m craving something sugary.”

“It’s fucking 10 in the evening, you spork.”

“And?” Phil suddenly stops in front of a 24-hour cafe. “You in or not?”

“My treat, then. For saving me.”

They take a box next to the window. It’s a 50s style American diner, it’s got all the charm of the era. Their waitress wanders over, not looking at them, just the menus in her hand.

“Hey, welcome to Betty’s, I’m Anita.” She finally looks up, her gaze softens. “Ahw, you look so cute together!”

Dan and Phil look at each other, and Phil is about to open his mouth to deny it, but Dan decides to take it to the next level.

“Thanks,” he smiles sweetly. “We’re actually celebrating!”

“Oh?” she says.

Dan reaches across the table to squeeze Phil’s hand. He lets their fingers stay entangled. “He proposed tonight. You’re the first to know, actually.”

“Oh my god!” As Anita freaks out, Dan looks at Phil, a bit confused, but otherwise entertained. “That’s amazing, congrats! How did you meet?”

“That’s uh…” Dan’s blanking. The lie is getting bigger, he was only hoping to get a free meal out of it. “That’s a funny story actually.”

“We met when this dork walked into a sex club.” Phil winks at him, the bloody bastard. “These two massive bears were about to eat him alive and I saved him. We actually had our first date here, we got pancakes after the incident.”

“Oh my god, that’s so sweet. Uh, listen, how about pancakes now? On the house, of course.”

“Oh, that would be amazing!” Phil smiles.

“Yeah, thank you.” Anita walks away and Dan looks at Phil. He’s still holding his hand, but he doesn’t mind. “You smooth motherfucker.”

“I got a free meal and a date out of it, so I call that a win.”

“Well, I just hope our second date won’t be in that sex club.”

“No, I’ll have you know that’s the third date.”

**Author's Note:**

> you can like/reblog the tumblr post [here](http://outphan.tumblr.com/post/178709417159/dan-howell-vs-the-sex-club)


End file.
